Stronger

So, it's been said many many times that trials reveal who we really are. Difficult times in life test our character and make us grow. Here are a few quotes (some of those "many many"s)-
"A crisis allows us the opportunity to dig deep into the reservoirs of our very being, to rise to levels of confidence, strength, and resolve that otherwise we didn't think we possessed."
"One who gains strength by overcoming obstacles possesses the only strength which can overcome adversity."
"I say that trials and tests locate a person. In other words they determine where you are spiritually. They reveal the true condition of your heart. How you react under pressure is how the real you reacts"
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you;
they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

I don't know why that last quote is so big. I copy and pasted... Anyways, I picked those quotes because they're supposed to be motivating and wise and everything, but mostly they've just made me sad. In my most difficult struggles, all I've been able to see is my weakness. When I'm having a tough time, motivation drops into nonexistence and nothing I say can make me feel strong. I've tried to feed myself strength by saying, "You just have to get through this. You don't have to enjoy it, just do your best," or, "You can't give up. There are no other options, so just get over it." But I could never digest my own advice.
So, step back with me for a moment to the past 2 years of my life. I would consider my struggles during this time to be the most difficult ones I've faced yet. Starting with the general stress of going from a K-8 school of 300 to a high school of 1500, then a case of mono during the winter, causing issues with my freshmen basketball season. In contrast, that spring and summer were some of the best in my life- I learned so much, and my personality and mindset changed a ton. Then the dreaded sophomore year- thousands of tears, procrastination at it's worst, anxiety, relational tension and spiritual conflict, to name a few.
During these times, I always looked, in trials, for the true magnitude of my inner strength to reveal itself and for myself to rise to the occasion and come out of the struggle even stronger than before. I had every intention of being strong and enduring my struggles with bravery. But as I said earlier, my attempts to awaken strength inside myself did no good. Instead, I continually found myself hopeless, burned out, weak, and with a poor attitude. I was so mad at myself. Why couldn't I just suck it up? Why did I let every little thing get to me? Why couldn't I have a better attitude? I assumed that I had this great inner strength, but even when I had nothing else left, it didn't appear. Not to say that God doesn't give me strength, because he definitely does (I'm still amazed that he gave me enough to make it through this past week of school), but I believe that God chose to reveal a different part of his character to me and through me in my trials. Here's something that I wrote down regarding my experience with trials:
"Pain and struggles reveal what's inside of us- our true character when everything is stripped away. What's left may not be what you expect or want. I wanted strength and bravery but instead received compassion, poetry, and a reverence for all things holy and beautiful. I wanted endurance, but instead I found eyes that see new opportunities all the time and a heart yearning to take them. For now, this is me. I have qualities to work with and qualities to work toward."
So, I'm learning that endurance is not one of my best qualities. But instead of beating myself up about it, I can focus on other qualities that I have been blessed with, and still find some way to exercise and grow the weaker qualities. It's all about not worrying, I suppose. Not worrying that I'm a wimp, or condemned to fail. There's not only 1 way for God to guide us through life. He might give someone hardcore determination so that they can face any conflict head on and bounce back from any blow, OR, he might give someone (like me) less of a knowledge of his own strength, but more of a knowledge of his sovereignty and a hope that everything will eventually be alright. Maybe his strength for me is more behind-the-scenes. I can't see it, but obviously it's still here because I'm still here. I can't feel it, but I can use what I do feel to strengthen others and create something that will glorify my Savior.
In our weakness he IS stronger... even if we can't tell. :)

Encountering Christ

This past weekend, I went to a weekend retreat called Teens Encounter Christ. It's my third time going to one of these TEC weekends, and I have to say, I think this last one made the biggest impact on me. I had been praying about the weekend a lot in the weeks leading up to it, and my heart was really open to whatever God had to say to me. I could feel God's peace and... sovereignty so clearly. He truly has all of us in the palm of his hand. TRULY, we don't have to worry about anything.
Here are some of the things that really sunk in for me this weekend:
1. Silence is so holy. It is a blank canvas for prayer. In silence, we can focus on the enormousness of God and worship him with our spirits. Your thoughts can travel so much farther and deeper when there isn't any noise to distract you. I used to hate silence, but now I think of it almost as just another type of music. I highly recommend sitting in silence for a while and seeing where God takes you. "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things."
2. There's this skit called the Everything Skit. It's set to the music of "Everything" by Lifehouse, um... if that wasn't obvious. It portrays this beautiful story of a girl who starts out dancing with God, but gradually wanders farther and farther away, led by various temptations. Then suddenly she drops everything and runs with all her might towards God, at which point he starts fighting to get her back, and eventually steps in and takes all the beating from the "temptations." Anyways, this time, when I watched it, I could best relate to the moments when the girl is trying to fight all the demons in order to get back to God. I was distraught, because it was clear from the video that all of those demons/temptations were stronger than her. How can someone as weak and vulnerable as a teenage girl hope to fight her way through all the temptations in this world? But then I saw that as the girl was fighting to get back to God, he wasn't just sitting there. He was helping her the whole time, pulling her towards himself. Okay, so my conclusion was that most of our life is spent in that fight. We hardly get a single moment when all is right with the world, but God will give us the strength and endurance to fight, and we will come out as whole, glorious creations of God. So pray for strength rather than for your problems to go away, it's been working for me.
3. TEC is a great opportunity to make new friends and family and expand your community. When I leave tec, I shouldn't be sad because I will miss the family I had there, I should be excited because now I have so many new family members to get to know!
4. The last talk that you listen to at TEC is about going back into the world, and taking with you everything that you experienced. I cried the whole time, because the real world and I don't have the best relationship :P But I also really learned a lot from it. God can give me the strength to shine in a place where there's not a lot of light. I don't have to live like I've always lived, or the way my friends live. Today I was more outgoing than I've been in a long time, and nothing but good came from it. I actually tried to be respectful and considerate and not as self-focused. I feel like I'm headed for a good place. "Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here."

Peace, love, and sunshine to all y'all :)

Kool-Aid and Blood on Your Hands

Ahem... well hello. It's been suggested that I write a new blog post, and seeing as it's been a while, I'll do just that.
I tie-dyed an apron today with kool-aid and vinegar. Still waiting to see the final result, it could be interesting. Anyway, I didn't use gloves, even though I knew my hands would be stained. Dumb. Sure enough, my right hand currently looks like a cross between a Cheeto and a really sunburnt hand. It was worth it though. My hand is like a battle scar from a war that I really believed needed to be fought. This war was just between my and my apron I suppose, but the metaphor rings true. What things in your life are worth fighting for? What would you be willing to dye your hands red for, metaphorically speaking? Would you put up with burnt arms to spend a day at the park with your little brother? Would you sacrifice your facebook time, TV time, and x-box time for your track team? Would you die for your friends?
Wait, did I say die?...
Yep. Pretty sure I did. "Greater love has no man than this- that he lay down his life for his friends." Do you love your friends so much that you would lay down your life for them? To be completely honest, I don't know if I could ever do that. Especially if I don't think they'd do it for me... seriously. I used to have a legitimate fear that I would be in a situation where I COULD take a bullet for someone, and I would have to choose. I don't worry about that so much these days, cuz if God brings me to it, I know he'll bring me through it. ;) Nevertheless, it's yet another opportunity to measure how much Jesus loves you and me.
I'm not going to outline the gory details of crucifixion to you now (besides, I think there's a pesky chain email that does it quite well...) but I'm sure you have an idea of how long and painful it was. But here's an interesting fact about the death of our Lord that I never really noticed- Jesus wasn't murdered. In John 19, verse 30, we are told, "When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." He gave up his spirit willingly. It was because of our sins that he was on that cross, but he didn't have to die. For goodness sake, who are we to think we could possibly kill the Son of God (The God of the Angel Armies) anyway? No, we didn't kill Jesus, he truly was given a choice, and he chose to give up his spirit for our salvation. What an amazing gift. And because of his love, he desires for us to be willing to do the same (except not the same at all) for him- give up our lives. Wouldn't you want your friends to love you as much as you love them? It's not necessary for us to physically die in order to give up our lives though. Show Jesus how much you love him by giving everything you have, everything you are to him. He doesn't promise it'll be easy, but suffering on the cross wasn't easy either. It's your turn. Pick up your cross and follow him.

p.s. Jesus would catch a grenade for ya ;)