So, it's been said many many times that trials reveal who we really are. Difficult times in life test our character and make us grow. Here are a few quotes (some of those "many many"s)-
"A crisis allows us the opportunity to dig deep into the reservoirs of our very being, to rise to levels of confidence, strength, and resolve that otherwise we didn't think we possessed."
"One who gains strength by overcoming obstacles possesses the only strength which can overcome adversity."
"I say that trials and tests locate a person. In other words they determine where you are spiritually. They reveal the true condition of your heart. How you react under pressure is how the real you reacts"
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you;
they're supposed to help you discover who you are."
I don't know why that last quote is so big. I copy and pasted... Anyways, I picked those quotes because they're supposed to be motivating and wise and everything, but mostly they've just made me sad. In my most difficult struggles, all I've been able to see is my weakness. When I'm having a tough time, motivation drops into nonexistence and nothing I say can make me feel strong. I've tried to feed myself strength by saying, "You just have to get through this. You don't have to enjoy it, just do your best," or, "You can't give up. There are no other options, so just get over it." But I could never digest my own advice.
So, step back with me for a moment to the past 2 years of my life. I would consider my struggles during this time to be the most difficult ones I've faced yet. Starting with the general stress of going from a K-8 school of 300 to a high school of 1500, then a case of mono during the winter, causing issues with my freshmen basketball season. In contrast, that spring and summer were some of the best in my life- I learned so much, and my personality and mindset changed a ton. Then the dreaded sophomore year- thousands of tears, procrastination at it's worst, anxiety, relational tension and spiritual conflict, to name a few.
During these times, I always looked, in trials, for the true magnitude of my inner strength to reveal itself and for myself to rise to the occasion and come out of the struggle even stronger than before. I had every intention of being strong and enduring my struggles with bravery. But as I said earlier, my attempts to awaken strength inside myself did no good. Instead, I continually found myself hopeless, burned out, weak, and with a poor attitude. I was so mad at myself. Why couldn't I just suck it up? Why did I let every little thing get to me? Why couldn't I have a better attitude? I assumed that I had this great inner strength, but even when I had nothing else left, it didn't appear. Not to say that God doesn't give me strength, because he definitely does (I'm still amazed that he gave me enough to make it through this past week of school), but I believe that God chose to reveal a different part of his character to me and through me in my trials. Here's something that I wrote down regarding my experience with trials:
"Pain and struggles reveal what's inside of us- our true character when everything is stripped away. What's left may not be what you expect or want. I wanted strength and bravery but instead received compassion, poetry, and a reverence for all things holy and beautiful. I wanted endurance, but instead I found eyes that see new opportunities all the time and a heart yearning to take them. For now, this is me. I have qualities to work with and qualities to work toward."
So, I'm learning that endurance is not one of my best qualities. But instead of beating myself up about it, I can focus on other qualities that I have been blessed with, and still find some way to exercise and grow the weaker qualities. It's all about not worrying, I suppose. Not worrying that I'm a wimp, or condemned to fail. There's not only 1 way for God to guide us through life. He might give someone hardcore determination so that they can face any conflict head on and bounce back from any blow, OR, he might give someone (like me) less of a knowledge of his own strength, but more of a knowledge of his sovereignty and a hope that everything will eventually be alright. Maybe his strength for me is more behind-the-scenes. I can't see it, but obviously it's still here because I'm still here. I can't feel it, but I can use what I do feel to strengthen others and create something that will glorify my Savior.
In our weakness he IS stronger... even if we can't tell. :)
