Music and Mentality

   Today I was thinking, the bible says to guard your heart and only think about things that are pure, lovely, honorable, etc. I think those rules are for our benefit, and they apply to music more than we realize.
   A lot of music that's popular nowadays (and by "nowadays" I mean, for the last 90 years or so) is about conflict- in our minds, in our lives, with God, with unseen forces, with anything. It's about struggling, falling, failing, trying again, about how sinful we are, all the things we worry about, all the difficult questions of the world. Now, there's a place and time to think about those things, but don't you think it's a little unbalanced? With so many worrisome, pressing, stressful, troubling thoughts entering our minds via the music we listen to, we feel worried, stuck, stressed, and anxious. It makes sense when you look back at the verse that outlines the things we should think about. It includes things that could be troubling, like "whatever is noble" and "whatever is right" (for example, thinking about all the homeless and hopeless people in American cities and how we can help them) but MOSTLY the verse tells us to think about things that are pure, lovely, praiseworthy, excellent, true, and admirable. Maybe if more of the music we listened to was positive- pure and lovely, giving praise to the Creator and Sustainer, less focused on the problems we have- our hearts would be a little lighter, our minds a little calmer, our souls a little brighter. Who knows?
   I'm going to experiment with this a little bit. I'll listen to only really positive, upbeat, happy (but still good) music for a few days, and then take note of how I feel. Then I'll listen to my more "conflict" oriented music (more screaming, fast guitars, and cymbals) for a few days and notice how I'm feeling.
   I want to hear YOUR thoughts on this, especially if you've noticed something similar or experimented with the connection between mental states and music. 

Workcamp Testimony

This is my birthday present for Curt.

2 months ago, I went on a mission trip to West Virginia. This was my 4th mission trip. At each one, my crew has been assigned to paint a house, as well as do a few other odd jobs. The tradition this year continued along that same path, and my crew and I were assigned to paint the ceilings and outside walls of our resident's house.

Bea, as she told us to call her, was such a ray of sunshine in my week of workcamp. Widowed, living alone, and hardly English-speaking, Miss Bea was ecstatic to have the 6 of us to talk to for 5 days. We got to know her very well in that short time as she left her mark on our hearts.

Upon arriving at our worksite on Monday morning, my crew did what any good, rulebook-reading crew would do, and we knocked on the front (well more side/back) door to introduce ourselves to our resident. I knocked on the door, not knowing what to expect, and I hear a crazy sounding, "ahhhh!" from inside. The door opened and, casting a wary glance back at my crew, stepped inside the dark doorway.

Facing me was a 5 foot tall Thai woman, her thinning hair all tied up on top of her head, looking not very happy but definitely not upset to see us. She shook our hands, gave hugs to the youngest 3 on our crew, and repeated "Welcome, welcome honey, hi, hi" and other various greetings. She had a thick accent, which we later discovered came from Thailand, where Bea lived until the age of 18 when she traveled to America as a young bride. After greeting us, Bea proceeded to give us a tour of her small but charming house, which was full of pictures and posters and figurines.
   We started painting, and didn't see much of Bea at all that day.  She sat in her chair watching tv all morning until her nurse, Linda, came. In talking to Linda throughout the afternoon, my crew leader discovered that Bea wasn't feeling well.  Before we left, we asked her if we could pray for her. She nodded and said "yes" in a small voice, so we all joined hands and prayed that Bea's sickness would leave. She thanked us for coming and we told her we'd be back the next morning.
   Each day after that, Bea got more and more outgoing (crazy) and more excited that we were there.  On Wednesday she ran/hobbled quickly out to see us when we drove up, giving us all hugs and holding our hands as we walked inside. She walked around us as we worked, commenting on how good everything was looking, as well as telling stories about her life.  Her house is surrounded by flowers that her husband planted before he died- literally hundreds of plants- making it ideal for all sorts of wasps, yellow jackets, and hornets. We were told that once, Bea was looking for something under her "shed" out back (2 boards propped against the house) but what she found was a wasp nest. She said "they beat me that time!" and described that her whole head was swollen and she couldn't see anything for a few days. That experience however, seemed to have eliminated any fear of the critters. She would try to grap at wasps as they flew around her, and she told us repeatedly that they weren't going to hurt us.
   Before we started painting the outside of Bea's house, she saw us trying to reach the walls without stepping on any of her beautiful flowers.  She insisted that "it's okay, they come back next year!" and reiterated that point by stomping all over several lily plants, picking up the flowers and tearing them to shreds, smiling all the while. We couldn't help but laugh :)
   Another day, around lunch, Bea was showing one of the redshirts her flowers. "So pretty! For you!" Bea kept saying, handing the redshirt flowers. Then, as we were walking back to her house, she randomly started pulling up entire plants and ripping them apart! We looked at each other, then asked Bea what she was doing. "It's okay, they come back next year!"
   Bea cried on Friday, telling us to stay and that she loves us so much.  She didn't want to say good-bye to us in the afternoon, saying that she would just cry more. We got to pray with her and give her a quilt before we left.  She wrapped up in the quilt and told us with a smile that she would like a nap, which made us laugh again.
   Knowing Bea made the whole workcamp worthwhile.  Even if the rest of the trip was horrible (which it wasn't!) I would've thought it a good experience because of her. I laughed more that week than the rest of my summer combined, and I will always remember how happy we made Bea, and how happy she made us. :)

All About Everything

I love times like this when I can just write and write about whatever pops into my head. I hope it’s not meaningless to you:

  

Face life with wide eyes. Record everything in your mind, ponder things in your heart. That way you can see things as they are, realistically, but you can apply to them the mindset and mission of heaven. 

I think I’m in love. With the blue sky and his white hair and bright eyes. His dazzling smile is my favorite, but he only smiles at the morning birdsongs and the evening crickets. If I never see him again, I’ll never forget that smile. Even if I forget my own name and my heart forgets to beat. I think it’s important that you know that.

I could probably write a hundred poems about just one person, or about one sunset, or one beloved thinking place of mine, but it’s harder to write about someone you can’t see, but only feel and know and love. I think the only way to write things like that is with help from a certain friend who knows that certain someone. Sometimes he lets me think I could do it myself, though.

Germs don’t make me sick. Sometimes they make me ill I guess, but they don’t really make me sick. Words make me sick. Words like “slavery” (especially when preceded by words like “child”) and words like “abortion” and “divorce” and “orphan.” Sometimes they make me a little angry, but usually just sad. The bright side is the symptoms. In addition to occasional tears and frustration, symptoms of this sickness include compassion, motivation, empathy, dreaming, and planning. 

Why do all the flowers clam up when they see weeds next to them? You can’t simply stop growing roots in fear of getting in the way of the weeds! I think those beautiful flowers could do better if they’d just remember who they are. Even a thistle can bloom under the right conditions. I’ll pray for you, little flower. 

I wish I lived in Italy so I could drink coffee after every meal. We’d just sit and talk for hours during lunch break, and we wouldn’t worry about being stuck in rush hour or clocking in on time. I expect the music is phenomenal there as well. 

I like it when people let me look into their eyes. Sometimes I meet them there, but mostly I just learn what color their eyes are. 

  Butterflies must never get lonely. No one ever gets mad at them, and they’re pretty and quiet and don’t hold a grudge (even when you put them in cardboard boxes). They’re probably the most popular insect. If you make friends with a butterfly, you’ll never have to worry about being shunned by the insect community. 

  I think that I live a lot of my life with a dry spiritual perspective. I fill my head with knowledge of God, but my faith doesn’t grow in my heart. I put God in a box, and by doing so I put myself in a box. So often I think of dreaming and God as totally independent from each other. In doing so, I am creating a false god and putting the true God in a box. God is the source of all good things, all beautiful things, all comical things, and all adorable things. I miss out on a lot of the excitement of God by having such a narrow idea of what it means to follow Christ. He is passionate, powerful, and personal.

  So that’s how I like my coffee, how do you like yours?

“Let it go, 

Daisy let it go. 

This fallen world

doesn’t hold your interest,

it doesn’t hold your soul. 

Daisy let it go.”

-Daisy by Switchfoot

A Lament and a Psalm

How cruel is the world!
How full of deceitfulness and hatred,
that causes my soul to agonize,
and my spirit to thrash helplessly
in an ocean of fear.
I weep as the Lord weeps,
for that has been my request to him.
But I in my selfishness
cannot even be content to mourn for those
who do not know what they are celebrating.
My tears lead to judgement.
Instead of mourning them, I scoff.
Instead of loving or guiding, I hate.
I become the hate that I see.
My soul shuts itself off from love, from its provision,
from it's Provider,
because I cannot believe that he would actually listen
when I complain.
when I knowingly disobey.
when I try to be a judge in my own mind.
Oh, then I weep because I am weeping!
I mourn because there is reason for despair.
I am in anguish because through my own fault,
I have driven the Lord from my heart.
Why can't I hear from someone trustworthy?
Is there no one with all the answers?
Is there nowhere I can turn without questioning?
Without questioning...
and without isolating my spirit from hope.
So now I must turn my heart back,
back to the place from whence it came.
I retreat
within the trustworthy shelter of my Lord's arms.
He whispers truth to me,
I need not validate it.
He whispers love to me,
I need not be wary of it.
He whispers life to me,
I need not contain it inside myself.

Don't Worry, Be Happy :D

What we need to figure out here, is not so much "Why are we so sad?" but more, "How can we attain joy again?"
Possibly we have lost sight of what it means to have joy. We have forgotten that happiness is temporary and unfulfilling. We have forgotten that true joy comes only from God. We have chosen, most likely indirectly, to pursue happiness instead of God, instead of JOY.
We must shed the mindset of one who is a victim of fate or trapped in despair, and put on the armor of God. We must force ourselves (at first it will be by force, then by habit) to count our blessings, not our losses. To never be content with what we have here in this world, and yet to never desire more of what the world can give. We must eagerly desire the greater gifts, and pray continuously for such gifts. We must take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. We must test every thought before it fully forms (before it enters our minds, or especially our hearts) and if it is a complaint, turn it into a healthy desire for improvement. If it is an expression of hopelessness, turn it into an acknowledgement of the ultimate hope we have in Christ. If it is a doubt, turn it into a question you will ask. If it is a fear, throw it away and instead choose a reminder of God's love for you. If it is a selfish thought expressing only hatred for an unchangeable circumstance, throw it away. Just leave it behind you. Who of us by worrying can add a single hour to our lives? And if the world hates you, remember that it hated your Savior first. Do not expect this world to be your home, and do not dwell on the fallen nature of things. Set your mind on things above. Whatever is right, true, lovely, pure, noble, excellent, praiseworthy... think about such things.
Immerse yourself with joyous thoughts, let each task the Lord sets before you be a chance to offer your gifts back to him. Make a decision to find joy in your life, but first decide that sadness is not worth it. Decide that you're not being fake by throwing away your sorrows, you're simply trusting God. You're not suppressing your feelings by choosing to constantly bear the fruit of joy, you're just refusing to mourn forever. You're just refusing to remain in self-centered sorrow for longer than it takes to realize that you either will or can't do anything about it. Choose to let God lead you out of the darkness and into the light. Your sorrows only last for the night, so why are you covering your eyes? The sun is rising in your heart, whether or not the world has actually improved. Don't waste time with complaints and regret. Your attitude should be like that of Jesus Christ. Yes, there is a time for weeping, but nothing should ever steal your joy.

Jesus loves you more than you know! Don't worry about anything, pray about everything! Jesus and I are here for you, be happy! :D

CAUTION: Read Slowly

When was the last time you walked slowly?
Not to go someplace you need to be,
but to find yourself in a place you didn't expect to be.
Unscheduled, unrehearsed, and uninterrupted.

When was the last time you opened your eyes,

not to look but to see.
To see the world more clearly than you could ever picture it in your mind.
To see the world as it really is,

rather than as you dream it to be,
and you discover that it's way more than you had dreamed.

When was the last time you looked at the clouds

not to check the weather, but to just watch the sky.
To admire the vastness of something so relatively small in the universe,
yet such an important piece of your existence.
Always close by, always out of reach, never quite the same.
Not based around hours and months,

but guided by the breath of God.

Live your life, not your calendar.

Stronger

So, it's been said many many times that trials reveal who we really are. Difficult times in life test our character and make us grow. Here are a few quotes (some of those "many many"s)-
"A crisis allows us the opportunity to dig deep into the reservoirs of our very being, to rise to levels of confidence, strength, and resolve that otherwise we didn't think we possessed."
"One who gains strength by overcoming obstacles possesses the only strength which can overcome adversity."
"I say that trials and tests locate a person. In other words they determine where you are spiritually. They reveal the true condition of your heart. How you react under pressure is how the real you reacts"
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you;
they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

I don't know why that last quote is so big. I copy and pasted... Anyways, I picked those quotes because they're supposed to be motivating and wise and everything, but mostly they've just made me sad. In my most difficult struggles, all I've been able to see is my weakness. When I'm having a tough time, motivation drops into nonexistence and nothing I say can make me feel strong. I've tried to feed myself strength by saying, "You just have to get through this. You don't have to enjoy it, just do your best," or, "You can't give up. There are no other options, so just get over it." But I could never digest my own advice.
So, step back with me for a moment to the past 2 years of my life. I would consider my struggles during this time to be the most difficult ones I've faced yet. Starting with the general stress of going from a K-8 school of 300 to a high school of 1500, then a case of mono during the winter, causing issues with my freshmen basketball season. In contrast, that spring and summer were some of the best in my life- I learned so much, and my personality and mindset changed a ton. Then the dreaded sophomore year- thousands of tears, procrastination at it's worst, anxiety, relational tension and spiritual conflict, to name a few.
During these times, I always looked, in trials, for the true magnitude of my inner strength to reveal itself and for myself to rise to the occasion and come out of the struggle even stronger than before. I had every intention of being strong and enduring my struggles with bravery. But as I said earlier, my attempts to awaken strength inside myself did no good. Instead, I continually found myself hopeless, burned out, weak, and with a poor attitude. I was so mad at myself. Why couldn't I just suck it up? Why did I let every little thing get to me? Why couldn't I have a better attitude? I assumed that I had this great inner strength, but even when I had nothing else left, it didn't appear. Not to say that God doesn't give me strength, because he definitely does (I'm still amazed that he gave me enough to make it through this past week of school), but I believe that God chose to reveal a different part of his character to me and through me in my trials. Here's something that I wrote down regarding my experience with trials:
"Pain and struggles reveal what's inside of us- our true character when everything is stripped away. What's left may not be what you expect or want. I wanted strength and bravery but instead received compassion, poetry, and a reverence for all things holy and beautiful. I wanted endurance, but instead I found eyes that see new opportunities all the time and a heart yearning to take them. For now, this is me. I have qualities to work with and qualities to work toward."
So, I'm learning that endurance is not one of my best qualities. But instead of beating myself up about it, I can focus on other qualities that I have been blessed with, and still find some way to exercise and grow the weaker qualities. It's all about not worrying, I suppose. Not worrying that I'm a wimp, or condemned to fail. There's not only 1 way for God to guide us through life. He might give someone hardcore determination so that they can face any conflict head on and bounce back from any blow, OR, he might give someone (like me) less of a knowledge of his own strength, but more of a knowledge of his sovereignty and a hope that everything will eventually be alright. Maybe his strength for me is more behind-the-scenes. I can't see it, but obviously it's still here because I'm still here. I can't feel it, but I can use what I do feel to strengthen others and create something that will glorify my Savior.
In our weakness he IS stronger... even if we can't tell. :)