Conflicting Theories

Hullo.
First off, can I just say what a gorgeous day it is?? Perfect weather- sunny but not too hot, a slight breeze, clear air. I took the boys outside for a picnic lunch :) God is such a fantastic artist. wow.

Now, getting to what I actually want to talk about right now:
When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a singer. Oh, sometimes I had a long list and sometimes it was just two things, but one of them was always "Singer." I have a musical family- my dad is now a saxophone/trumpet teacher and a professional musician, my mom leads worship at my church, my brother is honestly the best nonprofessional drummer I know, my oldest brother is an amazing saxophone player and participates in jazz band at his college, my aunt has sung opera for many years and plays oboe and English horn, and my grandparents were both band directors. I'm not saying that I feel pressured into a musical career, but it runs in the family. I've had a lot of exposure to music and my family has taught me a lot about it. Singing is my passion, I love it. Even better is singing not just to be heard, but to worship. So even after other kids gave up their dreams of being rock stars or movie stars or the president, I held on. I felt like singing was the natural place for me to be.

Over the past months I've been motivated to actually do something about my dreams. I've been writing songs since I was 11 or 12, and I've continued doing that with renewed interest and bigger intentions. I want to use the amazing gifts that God has given me to worship Him and lead many people to worship him as well. That makes sense, doesn't it?
Here's where it gets... problematic.
Problem number one is my pride. I want to be someone that others look up to and admire. I think that if I ever ended up being a well-known Christian musician, I would put too much focus on myself and on my music. I do honestly want to worship and praise God with my music, but I want to do it on a big stage. I just don't know if that's just because I think I could change people's lives (there i go with that "I" again) or because I'm selfish and conceited. I think that I'm a great singer. I think I have what it takes to get a record deal and go on tour and all that. That's where problem number two comes in.
Problem number two= I have what it takes. At least I'm pretty confident that I do. I have talent, no fear of public speaking, and a message (or several messages) that I want the world to hear. However, it's known by many Christians that God uses unlikely people to get his biggest work done. Noah couldn't speak well, Esther was young and had no desire for power, Saul wasn't even a believer until God called him to do big things. God tends to skip over those people who 1. don't have pure motives or 2. are the people everyone would expect to do big things. So, since both of those apply to me, I'm confused. Why would God give me this passion if I wasn't meant to lead thousands of people in worship and to encourage them as well?

So as I've pondered all this today, a few things came to mind.
-Music has always been my identity. Maybe I'm supposed to give it up so I can find my identity in Christ.

-I read a devotion this morning that said "success is never God's plan for us." He wants me to grow in Him and serve Him in every little way possible, and I agree.

-Now I'm trying to humble myself and commit the little, everyday things I do to Him. But even with that, am I being selfish? Do I just want to be faithful and humble so God will put me in a position of great leadership? I don't know.

-If God doesn't choose me to do anything big, He still loves me just as much. He will never love me less because of what I do or don't do with my life. Even if I totally screw it up and end up spending the majority of my life in jail or as a drug addict, His love for me will be stronger than I can imagine.

-It seems like I'm qualified do this job by the world's standards, but if God uses people who are unqualified, then I would literally be unqualified. Or maybe there are no qualifications, because maybe God really does use anyone, regardless of their strengths or weaknesses.

-Maybe all this is just doubt given to me by the devil to discourage me.

-I'm not supposed to know what's going to happen tomorrow. Only God knows, and he will work everything out. Does that mean I shouldn't plan ahead? Should I just sit around waiting for God to smack me in the head with an opportunity? I don't think so. But if I'm SUPPOSED to act now, how do I know that I'm not wasting my time, because God has something different planned for me? (Okay, this last bullet point is probably best answered by my big brother's blog, www.theroc1217.blogspot.com . I just forget things too easily I guess.)

Psalm 100
Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands!
Serve the Lord with gladness; come before His presence with singing.
Know that the Lord is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations.

Also, listen to Forgiven by Sanctus Real.

Verse 2 says:
My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven.

That song just kinda spoke to my heart so I thought I'd share it. <3